Lost in Pages

Hello, everyone. Long time, no see. No, this isn’t an April Fool’s joke, I’m actually here, and this post is 100% legit. I’ve sat at my laptop countless times trying to figure out how to type this up, and I keep coming up short. I’ve never really encountered anything like what I’ve experienced these last couple of months, so it has been difficult trying to find a way to talk about it. But that’s what I really needed to do – talk about it. Strap in, folks, it’s about to be story time. For the people who would rather not listen to me blab on for a bit, feel free to pass over this post. I won’t take any offense. And if you choose to read on, thank you for listening.

For those of you who don’t really know me that well, I’ve always been a very reserved person. Even as a young one, I held back emotionally. I’ve never been one to really share my feelings very easily, and for that, I’ve always come across as one of two people: someone who had their shit together or an emotional prude. Let me tell you right now: I’m neither of those people. I’ve never had my shit together, but I’m insanely good at pretending like I do. I may come across as cold or callous, but that’s because that was less frightening to me than being seen as vulnerable.

I bring this all up to try and explain the way I’ve been feeling lately, to try and justify my absence in a way. I think I’ve always experienced depression, but I never knew that’s what it actually was. Even in high school, I’d have days filled with a strange “emptiness” that I just brushed off as adolescence. Every teenager is moody, right? The more that I pay attention to it, the more I’m understanding what’s actually going on in my brain. A part of me is terrified to bring this to light, but a part of me thinks that talking about it will help. Time will tell. My personal life hasn’t been great lately, mostly relationships and friendships have taken an emotional toll. Life has become a distraction in a way it never has before.

These last few months – basically right before Thanksgiving – I felt a slump coming. Now, I’ve dealt with slumps and ruts before, and they’ve never lasted long. I thought, “Ah, another rut. It’ll be gone in a week, tops.” Well, one week became two, and two weeks became a month. And now here we are. Four solid months in, and the Great Slump™ has yet to leave. It’s grasping me tighter than the old shirts I have from high school that I hope one day I’ll fit into again. I’m currently sitting at eighteen books behind schedule for my Goodreads goal, and I haven’t really posted anything here on the blog in about two months. You want to know the last time I finished a book? The middle of November. I fully blame my brain. Those random bouts of “emptiness” keep coming and going, and they’re the reason I haven’t been able to enjoy the things that once brought me happiness.

I’ve done everything I can possibly think of to get back into the swing of things. I’ve bought books I was excited for. I’ve tried rereading an old favorite. I’ve purged my shelves in hopes that I’ll get inspired to read what I’ve had for ages. I’ve gone to numerous signings and listened to authors talk excitedly about their work. NOTHING helps. Hence, this post. Having a discussion, getting advice, and shining a spotlight on this bastard of a slump are my ways of getting over it. Or so I’m hoping. What are your thoughts?

I’ll catch you guys next time – which will hopefully be way sooner.